The ego can be an amorphous thing. Empathy and humility are lofty ideals. So, it can seem daunting to figure out how to manage them at work. The good news is that there are many tools in our toolkit to choose from and iterate. The pay off, big or small, will be immediate.

In my previous essay on the subject I kept it theoretical. I made the point that our egos are burdens while empathy and humility are tools for the pursuit of information in the name of solving problems as a group. In this essay I’ll outline the principles that have worked for me when following this premise.

This advice isn’t just for coping with feelings or emotional stress. While that alone would be nice enough, they’re also actionable rules for effectiveness through managing your ego and focusing on empathy and humility. The principles are:

1. Questions before statements
2. Strong opinions weakly held
3. Be your own worst first critic
4. Act like an apprentice
5. We are not alone
6. Accentuate the positive
7. Always take the high road

Questions Before Statements

Starting with a question instead of a statement will set the tone for the entire discussion that follows. The former will get you key information from the outset while the latter has the potential to put people on the defensive.

I like to open as many conversations as I can with a question that essentially asks, “What am I missing here?” I can eventually make my point but it will be better informed when I do. And that’s if I still need to make my point—the right question will often satisfy both sides and negate the need entirely. And, no, leading or rhetorical questions don’t count! Try to ask genuine, open-ended (i.e., not yes/no) questions.

When doing code review, for instance, a system like Conventional Comments favors this approach and makes it a truly collaborative exercise. The pull request author has slightly more context than the reviewers (i.e., it’s their work) so ask questions instead of making dogmatic statements and blocking the pull request outright. I’ve found this so effective that I’ve even used similar “prefixes” when speaking face-to-face.

This approach also helps us keep an open mind when working with legacy code. There’s a big difference in utility between complaining, “This code is shit!” versus asking an old-timer, “What led us to implement it this way?”

This is adjacent to the idea of active listening where the goal is “listening to understand” rather than jumping in to make your point. When you do get a chance to speak, all the better if your response is a clarifying question rather than a counterpoint.

Strong Opinions Weakly Held

It’s much easier to default to questions before statements when you have strong opinions weakly held.

This concept, first described by Paul Saffo, is a heuristic for turning an imperfect or incomplete conclusion into something better. We convert uncertainty into certainty but with less bias. If you accept the premise from my previous essay that everything is bigger than you then this is the uncertainty you’re trying to root out.

To do so we must genuinely challenge our own assumptions. No opinion should be so sacred that it can’t be amended when we uncover new information. When we actively try to prove ourselves wrong we can prevent the tight coupling of our identities with our work (a.k.a. ego). Code review is the perfect opportunity to practice this—you’re not defined by your code. Code review helps you become a better programmer, if you let it.

At the end of the day we’re all looking for the best ideas. That’s not likely to come entirely from within every single time, is it?

Be Your Own Worst First Critic

Saffo actively looked for moments to try and prove himself wrong and make his stance more robust. It’s a good idea to be the first critic of your own output—emails, meetings, documentation, pull requests, and so on. You don’t have to be cruel to yourself, but if you poke just a little bit your communications become significantly more efficient.

Before you smash the “send” button ask yourself, “Is what I’ve typed out true?” It’s fine to be subjective so long as all parties recognize it. Otherwise, a little due diligence is in order. Checking yourself before someone else does can greatly improve—or even prevent—your message. To this end I personally make it a habit to draft most of what I write “offline” first, including seemingly inconsequential Slack or Teams messages.

This is harder to do for verbal communication but it’s still worthwhile. In meetings you can take notes while someone else is speaking and try to formulate your thoughts. On video calls you can open a new browser tab and quickly look something up. And you can always pause a moment before answering a question—the silence won’t kill you.

Besides fact-checking yourself it’s also useful to consider what comes next. Whatever you send or say, what’s the most likely response you’ll get? Typically it’ll be a follow-up question or some sort of task. Try to anticipate this, revise your message to account for it, and cut out at least one back-and-forth. One of these statements is more empathic than the other:

1. “We have a problem!!!”
2. “We have a problem, but we’re going to…”

Lastly, I can’t stress enough that “AI” will not adequately assess or correct your writing for you. This is a purposeful, thoughtful act and nothing is gained by farming it out it to a machine that lacks context or emotion.

Act Like An Apprentice

Most great developers I’ve met share a common trait in that they love learning new things. Whether it’s tinkering in their off hours or rising to a new challenge at work, it demonstrates humility. I think we should be transparent about this with our coworkers and act like apprentices out in the open.

There will always be something we don’t know. Our skill set is never perfectly complete. Something that’s trendy today could be obsolete tomorrow. It’s best to be candid about it. Others will appreciate your curiosity and might even help you on your particular learning journey.

You can act like an apprentice no matter how senior you are, too. There’s a lot to learn from peers and those junior to you, no matter how much experience you think you have. For example, I perfected my hiring philosophy quite late in my career, based on the insights of great coworkers. They were simply better at it than me and my eyes were open enough to recognize it.

The pursuit of learning isn’t just about skills. You should be actively learning about yourself, too. Seek out constructive feedback and look at criticism as an opportunity to improve. We learn more when we’re wrong (and told about it) than when we think we’re right.

We Are Not Alone

The whole point of practicing empathy and humility is that you don’t work alone in a vacuum.

This means that all of us are leading each other by example whether we realize it or not. So, it’s best to model the behavior we’d like to see and do so as intentionally as possible. This applies for leaders and non-leaders alike. The more we show ownership, take responsibility, admit mistakes, ask for help, or offer support the more others will do the same.

The result will be a prosocial environment that fosters psychological safety. Everyone feels comfortable participating, asking questions, and putting forth ideas. We don’t do this just to be nice. This is how we effectively solve problems in group settings. I’ve seen firsthand the stark difference between my department, where people felt safe with each other, and other departments where people absolutely did not. More importantly, my people could see the difference, too.

Once you have this safety net, you must use it! As my friend Anthony says:

You’re not alone. You have teammates, leaders, tools, and experts—an entire army ready to move with you.

Leaders need to do a little more when modeling empathy and humility. Make sure you’re the one speaking the least. Show vulnerability. Be self-deprecating. Trust your people. Replace “you” with “we”. Foster inclusion by looking for underrepresented voices and make sure everyone at the table has a chance to be heard. Lastly, find peers at your level that you can commiserate with when you need it.

Accentuate The Positive

Managing group dynamics isn’t straightforward. This is especially difficult for a group that may be challenged, stressed, or otherwise under pressure. When we’re heads down trying to get work done it’s very easy to focus on what’s going wrong and not on what’s gone right.

Make it a point to pause often and celebrate victories together, no matter how small they may seem. Often you’ll have to remind somebody of their own accomplishments and break them out of their tunnel vision. A little recognition can go a long way.

This is not something we should rely on only leaders to do. Anyone can recognize a win when they see it, even if it’s strictly from their point of view. These moments should also be celebrated. If anything, gratitude might even land better coming from a peer than from a leader!

You shouldn’t ignore setbacks or failures, of course. They need to be acknowledged openly so that lessons can be taken from them. That in itself is a positive thing.

The golden rule is to praise in public but coach in private. Positive comments should be frequent and seen by the entire group while criticism should be held for 1-on-1 settings. Even well-meaning feedback could be embarrassing if it’s given in front of others, and it won’t stick. If you actually want somebody to correct for something then coach them in private.

Research suggests the ideal ratio of positive comments to criticism should be 5-to-1. You don’t have to walk around waving pompoms all day, but it’s good to be mindful of this balance. Again, it’s not just to be nice. When it comes time to give criticism it’ll be better received because you’ve already worked to build trust and respect with them. An emphasis on the positive mitigates the negative before it arrives.

Always Take The High Road

The sad truth about this essay is that there’s no guarantee that anybody else will play ball with you. We can’t presume that anyone we work with is similarly interested in acting with empathy or humility. You must put away your ego even if nobody else is doing the same.

This means avoiding politics, pettiness, excessive gossip, or improper backchannels. When someone is throwing their ego around, you’ll be tempted to match them and fight fire with fire. Do not engage! Do not stoop to their level! Never take the bait! Hold the line! Always take the high road!

I don’t give this advice lightly and I can’t sugarcoat it—it will be exhausting but it’s worth it in the end. It will sometimes feel unfair in practice but empathy and humility always win. Use them even when nobody else is—especially when nobody else is.

I’ve evolved these tips, tricks, and habits over many years. My progression has been so gradual that it wasn’t until recently that I fully realized there might be a unified theory hiding underneath my hard-earned habits.

I hope somebody finds this insightful in some way, but don’t take my word for it. I’m humble enough to recognize that what’s worked for me may not work for you. That’s the beauty of it. Just start by recognizing that everything is bigger than you and we’re all trying to solve problems together. See what techniques you can then come up with to leverage that awareness.

Don’t be afraid to try something or make mistakes. Despite all of the above, I still get it wrong sometimes. I’ve misspoken, had tiny outbursts, and overlooked a detail someone was putting right in front of my face. It’s OK. Humans are not perfectly known quantities, and that includes ourselves.

Trust in your genuine attempts to improve yourself, and trust that others around you will recognize the same. My final piece of advice, therefore, is to make sure you extend some empathy to yourself, too. Do your best, and good luck!